I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
