I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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