God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
