My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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