I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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