Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
