don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
