All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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