I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
