i think my mom watched the whole time
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
