wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize