Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
