so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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