I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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