Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
