Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just cropdusted the office
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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