Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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