I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
