All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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