At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My feet surprised me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
