I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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