i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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