I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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