and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
