I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
