You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
