I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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