Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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