I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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