I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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