I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
