My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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