One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
