Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
