You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
