Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
