Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
