who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
