if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
