I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
