Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
