i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
