Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
