Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize