walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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