There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
try to milk me bitch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
