apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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