I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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