You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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