he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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