barbara walters just said penis...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
