Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
