you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
