Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
