I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
