haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
